


If You Only Knew

by justanothernerdgirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Being Idiots, Boys In Love, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 11:56:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8205986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernerdgirl/pseuds/justanothernerdgirl
Summary: When Merlin and Arthur fight, they each relive each others' pasts to discover a different point of view.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not British so if the language is a little weird, I apologize. This is a work in progress so feel free to leave constructive criticism but please be kind.

“When will you stop being an arse and listen to reason?” Merlin yelled, throwing a shoe across the room as he angrily cleaned the apartment, just for something to do, just to keep moving. 

Arthur stepped in his way, taking the papers he was clearing out of his hand and putting them back on the table because that’s where liked them goddamnit. “I’m not the problem here,” he spat. 

“I’m done, Arthur. I can’t do this anymore. Everytime I think it’s going to get better, there’s another monster dragged up out of nowhere. And your father –“

“Can you leave him out of one bloody argument?”

“You can’t leave him out of our lives for one bloody second!” 

A violent silence was held between them, punctuated with overzealous breaths and sharp glares. It was heavy and lethal and neither was sure how to end it or if they should walk out and let it sever the bond between them. 

And then the earth shook. 

It wouldn’t stop. 

Arthur made a grab for Merlin but was thrown across the room. Merlin was pinned beneath a table. They kept trying to reach for each other, but it seemed as if the heavens and stars themselves had decided that these opposing forces could no longer meet. 

In the chaos, Merlin found a moment of peace. He gave up the struggle, threw his head back, and just breathed. His magic tingled under his skin and even as he sent it toward Arthur, praying the idiot head bashed his head on something and died, he thought “this is what I deserve. This is what my life is now. Why can’t it ever be easy? How did I end up here?” 

And then there was black. 

-

When Merlin awoke, he was in a home unlike any he had seen before. It was large, a mansion straight out of a Jane Austen movie, with more mahogany wood and marble than in any museum Merlin had ever visited. And there was a small boy. 

His blonde hair was styled but Merlin could see some resistance in it where the child’s energy had caused a few strands to go astray. He looked straight at Merlin and Merlin knelt down and smiled. 

“Hi, how are you? I’m Merlin.” The child continued to stare. “Is this your house?”

“Arthur, stop that,” came a commanding voice from behind Merlin. An overly familiar, bombastic voice that could only belong to – oh god no. 

Behind Merlin was the ever hated Uther Pendragon, standing in the doorway with his hand outstretched. His face was cold, his mouth frozen in a thin line and his eyes like ice, just how Merlin knew him. But once Merlin looked past that, there were also dark circles sitting there below wet eyelashes. 

“I’m sorry for intruding, sir,” Merlin said softly. “I simply came to give your family my condolences on this occasion –“

“Arthur, now.” Uther ignored Merlin. Ignored or - he couldn’t hear him. Merlin didn’t exist. Or he did, but simply a few hundred miles away in Wales. Arthur’s mother died when Arthur was three so Merlin would be five years old and in primary school right now. Part of him wished he had been here though. This was Arthur before he turned into a royal arse. Just a small, scared kid. Merlin looked behind him. Arthur was shaking. Though his suit probably cost more than Merlin’s home, it still looked too big for Arthur’s small form, like the tailor had left room for Uther’s expectations in the chest pockets and sleeves. 

The anger Merlin had felt towards Arthur earlier reappeared, ready to settle in his chest and fill in the spaces where Arthur had cracked his heart. But then Uther walked toward his son, picked him up, settled the boy onto his hip, and whispered “I know, I’m scared too” before carrying Arthur out the door. 

And suddenly the anger was porous. 

-

Merlin knew he was moving forward in time, but it felt more like stumbling than any sort of coordinated travel. 

He followed Arthur when he could, often spending time sitting next to him in silence, watching Arthur grow slowly, learn about life and love. Most of the time, moments moved too fast for Merlin to hold onto. He saw little pieces of dialogue – the first time Arthur saw his favorite movie, Morgana moving in, Arthur asking about why those two men are holding hands and kissing, Arthur trying to read a newspaper (and getting bored in about twenty seconds), Arthur falling asleep outside of Uther’s study, Arthur spending less time there – 

And then there was yelling. 

“I’m telling Arthur. I’m taking him and moving out.” 

“Morgana don’t you dare. You’d just be hurting him. I’ll call the authorities, I’ll –“

“YOU wouldn’t DARE,” Morgana shrieked. “I’m family, Uther. Your daughter apparently. Would you really harm your own blood?” 

“I’ll do what I have to in order to protect my son. Your mother had the same disease that you do, though I didn’t know it at the time, and I won’t have it reaching Arthur. I will not lose him to the likes of magic.” 

“You’re so blinded by hatred that you couldn’t see reason if it bit you on the nose!” Morgana hissed. Merlin felt a twist in his gut. Hadn’t he accused Arthur more than once of getting so caught up in his head he couldn’t see reason? All in the family, Merlin supposed. He heard a quiet sob and turned around. 

In between the bannisters on the staircase appeared a tiny face. Arthur was older now – maybe about eight or nine – but he was still so small. He had always said that he had hit his growth spurt late when they compared stories of their awkward teenage years. Merlin remembered thinking that there was so much to learn, that he’d never catch up. He was getting caught up really fast now. Merlin climbed the stairs and settled behind Arthur, wrapping his arms around him. Arthur seemed to quiet a bit as if feeling Merlin’s presence. His knuckles were still white against the wood to which he clung, though. They watched the scene unfold before them together.

Eventually, Morgana left Arthur in Uther’s household. She fought and protested, but it seemed a compromise to Uther letting her leave with enough money to her name to carry her through. He didn’t tell her to call when she got to Morgause safely and she didn’t promise to stay in touch. In later years, Merlin knew Morgana would apologize for leaving him, would fight tooth and nail to change Arthur’s view of magic until he grew to love it, would pressure him to get out of his father’s control, take him to anti-discrimination protests until the laws changed, would be the first to learn about Arthur’s preference for men. Merlin had only come around after all of that happened though and when Arthur told the story, he told it like a reunion. Like those years of loneliness were inconsequential. Merlin had never quite believed him, but he had never had a grasp on the consequences of Morgana’s abandonment until now. 

Now, staring at the front door and the door to the study slam one after another, Merlin realized why Arthur loved small flats even if he could afford more, cuddling on the couch even while angry, and open doors even if it let the heat out in the winter. 

Arthur spent too many years alone. 

\- 

Merlin didn’t expect to feel such jealousy at Arthur’s first kiss. It was with Sophia of all people. Arthur always said she meant nothing, but he was looking at her pretty intensely tonight. 

Arthur was fourteen. Most boys he knew had been bragging for years about their first kiss and Arthur had joined them, though he hadn’t actually joined their ranks, simply refused to deny their rumors. 

Before leaving the house that night, Uther had clapped him on the shoulder in between business calls and told him to have fun tonight, with an uncomfortable smirk. Arthur had nodded, obviously pleased at making his father proud of his choice of date, but also nervous. He had dressed himself in a pair of dark jeans and a wrinkled button down shirt and had played with his hair nervously for an hour before leaving to pick her up. Though Arthur was only fourteen, Uther had given him the car keys, having taught him to drive in a single afternoon when Arthur was twelve, determining that twelve was way too old for a nanny conspicuously soon after said nanny had caught him with his business partner’s wife. 

Sofia was from a good family. She was always well dressed and well mannered when in polite company. She also could smoke like one of the boys and her footie game was admittedly impressive. It was no wonder that in an effort to please his father Arthur could easily convince himself to love her.

They dated until he was sixteen. They spent more time with their friends than with each other, but when they were together it was relatively easy. Arthur would talk about how Arsenal was doing that season and she would talk about her favorite singers or the latest gossip. She would stroke his ego and he would feed her vanity. It was the perfect illusion of young love. Nevermind that when Arthur went to bed at night, he thought longer about Leon than Sophia. 

That was another surprise for Merlin. He had never known Arthur had a childhood crush on Leon. Arthur had always insisted they were just best friends, but he was the one Arthur ran to when he and Merlin had a particularly bad row. Now Merlin wondered if there was more there. 

When he was sixteen, Arthur brought her to a deserted moor where they could watch the stars. She let him enter her that night. Merlin refused to watch most of it, confused why whatever dark magic was pulling him through Arthur’s life thought this was a good idea, but from the little he saw, it was about as messy and uncoordinated as any attempt at teenage sex could be. 

After she faked a pregnancy scare to see if she could get him to pay her money to keep silent. It turned out to be her father’s idea. He had lost a lot in investments that year and when he found out his daughter had lost her virtue, he saw a business opportunity. Uther refused to pay a cent and when no baby bump appeared in three months, Sophia was forced to admit to the scam. Arthur hadn’t completely blamed her, he understood the perils of a difficult father, but the rumors and gossip she had started about him were unforgivable. She had dragged the school into it, calling him the heartless father to their imaginary bastard child and accusing him of abandoning her in her time of need. In truth, she hadn’t seen Uther catch Arthur with his mother’s wedding ring, ready to do the right thing, but then, she’d never thought to ask.

Merlin had heard about this last year from Leon over a cold pint one night while Gwaine overtly hit on Percy. Arthur had called Gwaine a shameless slag and Gwaine had countered that Arthur was nothing more than an uptight prick. Merlin had been taken aback by the ferocity of Arthur’s words until Leon explained that Arthur didn’t sleep around. 

It certainly clarified for Merlin what had then been an undefined relationship. Merlin smiled, remembering their awkward talk after. How long ago it seemed since they didn’t know what they were to each other, or how deeply they both loved. 

Merlin saw three girlfriends after. The last was named Mithian, a girl Morgana still adores to no end. She suggested to Arthur the problem in their relationship may not have stemmed from a lack of similar interests at all, rather, they were just a little too similar. After, she introduced Arthur to Geraint, who Merlin watched teach him many of the same tricks Arthur had used on him so many times.

It took Merlin awhile to figure out how to balance wanting to thank and strangle the same person. 

And, finally, Arthur was in uni. Merlin felt elated when he watched Arthur receive his acceptance letter. He had been there for every one of Uther’s snide remarks, Arthur’s football games, and late night study sessions. Merlin was nervous and excited to see them meet. He was tired of watching exgirlfriends and boyfriends love and leave Arthur, tired of not being in Arthur’s life. But he also knew that this was the closest he would ever get to finding out how Arthur really felt about him. Sure they had told each other they loved and hated each other in almost equal measurement, but Arthur’s communication was physical more than vocal, which makes sense because Uther couldn’t even manage a hug when he dropped Arthur off at his dormitory – just gave him a firm hand on the shoulder and left. Merlin would watch Arthur meet him for the first time and, well, even Merlin regretted how that went. 

Arthur hadn’t known Morgana very long at all when she dragged him out to the pub with her and her magical activist group, hoping to get Arthur to see a bit of the other side. They were still two years out from changing the law and four months past when Arthur accidentally stumbled into a class Morgana was teaching at uni while she finished her dissertation. 

 

“Morgana – come on. I’m voting for you – isn’t that enough?” Arthur bit out as she pushed him into the bar and shoved a pint in front of him. “Arthur, these people are very important to me. You’ve been under Uther’s horrid delusions for a little too long. He’s beastly, really. Let me show you what’s really going on.” 

“Dad may not be perfect, Morgana, but he put me through school, raised me on his own. A little respect for the man, please.” 

“Why are you so quick to defend him, Arthur?”

“He’s all I have, Morgana! You left. Mum left. Everybody….he stayed. I know you don’t like him. I know he’s done – Christ, I know what he’s done. But he’s my dad.” 

“I didn’t want to leave Arthur. I wanted to take you with me at least. You know that right? I didn’t have a choice”

“We all have a choice, Morgana.” 

“You don’t understand…maybe tonight will change that. Look! There’s Merlin. You’ll love him. No one can resist Merlin.” Morgana waved her friend over. He was wearing black jeans and a dark blue EqualityForAll tshirt, an organization that had partnered heavily with pro magic rights groups. 

Me! Merlin thought with a start. That’s me! …Where did I put those jeans? Definitely have to pull them out again with the look that Arthur’s – 

Arthur was giving him a rather hungry look. The same he got whenever Merlin put on eyeliner. But his shoulders were rather tenser than Merlin had seen in a long time. He’s struggling Merlin realized. Arthur was attracted to Merlin from first sight, a thought that pleased Merlin to no end, but internally he was fighting himself. He believes I’m evil, he still thinks we – 

“Don’t your kind get their power from animal sacrifices and the like?” Merlin overheard Arthur say over his loud inner monologue. Right. 5…4…3… and there’s the beer on Arthur’s face, staining his favorite shirt. 

“He genuinely doesn’t know better” Morgana hissed at Merlin, who had the decency to look a little sorry. 

“well maybe someone ought to wake him up. Hope the beer was at least a good start.” 

Future Merlin snorted a little. Looking back at it all, it was rather ridiculous. Then he heard a deep, lovely voice in his ear, “enjoy that did you? Have to say, it wasn’t so fun the second time either.”


End file.
